Ugh I feel so exhausted (￣﹃￣) but it was worth it to binge watch a 2 year old korean drama and of course, it has a happy ending. A happy ending that is unrealistic yet I would like to experience that once in my life.
Hi guys, have you ever experience pulling an all nighter until it was to the point you are even seeing the dark sky getting brighter? Yes, it’s 6.20AM as I am writing this sentence. And of course, I am witnessing the end result of my sacrifice of sleep, that is both happiness, annoyance as well as exhaustion. Even though I am in need of approximately 8 hours of sleep a normal person should be getting, I am here writing this post because I suddenly just want to write something before I spend my day sleeping away my exhaustion.
So…the main reason for this 6AM post is once again related to a gathering. But this time, it revolves around friends whom you are close with, but not really. I wonder if you understood that sentence. Okay, let me simplify it. You know you have those type of friends you have known from your college or from the same intake in college? I belonged to quite a small bunch of people from an accelerated intake last year and I admit all of them were pretty cool and they weren’t your average college friends. Okay maybe because i was the youngest of the bunch and whatever they were doing amazed me. From their intelligence to their behaviours. I am just amazed because most of them were from different countries but all of us have some similarities, in the least I assume.
I think I am getting off topic here. This post is not to compliment them (since these were all facts anyways). I remember whenever some of us from that intake would get together to have dinner, I…would always feel like I don’t really belong there. Recently, we had a get together with just the five of us. Obviously I could feel all four of them were really close as they talked about their memories and adventures together, which did not include me but I knew about it anyways because of social media websites such as Snapchat and Instagram. But I still pretty much talked with them and they were really friendly to me too. Well then again, you must be wondering what a lame post this is, like JUST GET TO THE POINT MINT! (╮°-°)╮┳━━┳ ( ╯°□°)╯ ┻━━┻
(Yes sometimes I do think I contradict myself a little too much, maybe because I am used to trying to put myself into someone else’s shoes, which wasn’t really useful sometimes and I get hurt all the time..)
So the point is…the point…erm…I am not really sure. I just think that such friends’ gatherings are great and we should have it once in a while. But for someone like me, it’s awkward and difficult for me to get into conversations and become better friends if I was already the one who is not included in their adventures and memories. You know that feeling right? The feeling of being left out and even though your friends tried to make an effort, you know that it’s not really helping because you feel that you shouldn’t even be there from the start.
Friendships are so difficult and complex, especially amongst females. I don’t know much about males’ friendships since I myself is a female. This year, I lost two of my close friends just over 3 months. If I can say so myself, the only two close friends I had ever since moving to a new country. Well, I don’t really want to say they are my best friends since I only met them in college last year and we decided to live together this year and attend the same university. They are practically like sisters to me. I might get annoyed sometimes but I always respect their decisions. That is why when one of them decided to leave the apartment a day before my semester 2 starts, I decided to respect her decision even though her reason for leaving was practically hurting the other friend and in the slow process, me.
One left, another left too. And two new girls moved into the apartment. Hell breaks loose and until now, even though it’s not my close friends’ fault as I completely understood their decisions for leaving, but…I was heartbroken, alone and sad (ಥ﹏ಥ). I cried everyday, thinking why didn’t I stop them from leaving (mostly because the new girls who moved in were noisy, messy and just nuisances to me) but how could I? What power, what authority do I have to stop someone from leaving? From drifting away a decision they made or their parents made.
Maybe if circumstances change in a way that the two new girls who moved in were nice and all, maybe I wouldn’t be so hurt by my close friends’ leaving. I thought this way but any other way, I was being really pessimistic about everything. Truthfully, I still hated them for leaving me here all alone. Now. Here. This moment. My heart still aches like there’s no tomorrow. I guess I love them as much as I love my sibling. Either that or I was being too dependent on them. Too dependent that I wasn’t ready to let them go. This 6AM post is going to be a 7AM post soon enough. Anyways, how did gatherings turn into the loss of my close friends?
It’s alright, even though I shed a lot of tears because of them, they are just close friends from different countries meeting in a foreign country, in the same college, same university as well as the same course as I am. I still have my best friends back home, but you know, friends are really precious no matter when, how and where you meet them. I hope I can meet a friend whom I am comfortable speaking with and someone who is just warmhearted and comfortable to be with. A friend who won’t judge you for your weird tastes, someone who laughs together, teases you, someone who would lend a hand when you fall down, just someone who would like to have me around and I would like to make them laugh a lot too.
Ahh, I guess I went overboard with this post but just letting you know once again, I watched 20 episodes straight and now onto this post without rest so be aware that this is just Mint trying to pull herself together to write something without falling asleep.
I will talk more about my life in a new country in the future so stay tune will ya? Haha, thanks again for reading my ridiculous 6AM post and enjoy your Sunday!
Mint ／(･ ᆺ ･)＼♡