“You awake?” she whispered in a low cracked voice, to which he replied with a slight nod and a soft mhmm. He looked incredibly adorable and wildly innocent, with half of his face buried in the pillow while cuddling with his extra pillow in his arms and between his thighs. “I have never felt this feeling before”, it was as if she knew he was going to be the one she will love in this lifetime of hers. The reciprocation of her truly very deep feelings is difficult. When she loves, she loves hard. At the same time, she requires her own space, yet desires all the time spent with him. It is very confusing altogether.
It is a wonder why she felt that way towards him. It is known that every person in this world shows their feelings in different ways. Ways that may not be so important to someone, can meant the world to another. Therefore, the key to a good, healthy, and long-term relationship is not only commitment, but also communication. Love can only be so much and be a starting point of a relationship, but it is the hard work that maintains the essence and longevity of a relationship.
She knew he was someone with very little words, and sometimes he shows it a little differently than what she thought it would be. Even simple question like How are you today can trigger a long traumatic and unpleasant memories for someone, especially him. He was pessimistic, quiet, and adventurous in his own way. Sometimes she feels like he doesn’t care about her often, mostly because he doesn’t text nor call much. Not much sharing of his life as well. It is her who try to ask him questions, but she is not good at that either, so it always end up him suggesting where to go, what to eat, etc. She knew she wasn’t good at initiating, swimming, or any socialising but she knew how to love someone. Or at least she thought she knew.
It was no wonder she liked him from the start. The strong attraction towards him pushed her to avoid confronting her feelings and ended up making such a huge mess with unintended parties involved. Her impression of him was that he wasn’t serious about relationship, or afraid of going into something too fast and committing to it. It felt very casual with him, and she didn’t like that. That feeling still exists, though not as much as before.
Because they didn’t talk a lot, there were many things she didn’t know about him, and vice versa.
She liked creative activities, reading, writing, painting, watching, just generally staring into space so her mind can wander as fast as it can.
His activities on the other hand were adventurous, thrilling and requires much more energy she would ever have.
But because she loved him, because she wants him to do what he likes, be happy and excited about doing things he really like, she always says yes to his suggestions. No, she is not a pushover, though one or many can say that. It is just that if seeing people she love in her life happy meant that she has to do activities she has never done or is not interested in, she would do it all for them. For him, that was it. She did enjoy the activities, seeing that she could spend time with him, learning about what he likes and what he doesn’t like. Small things, to her, really matters. He is kind, patient, calm and careful with his decisions, giving him a wise and collected demeanour. And that was what she loved about him.
Oh gosh, she misses him a lot, she really does. 1 afternoon per week is not enough for her. She wants to see him more, but she knows he’s tired after work and needs his own space. Plus, he has done a lot of staying over in the past. She knows that everyone loves their own bed and space, and that includes him.
But if the reason of meeting each other less is because he no longer has feelings anymore, she would feel very sad and hurt, though there is nothing for her to do if that is the case. She can’t control what other people feel or think.
This is truly the first time in her life she felt so strongly about someone, and the thought of not seeing that person anymore felt like someone reached out to her heart and ripped it out of her body.
No matter what happens to them, she wants to give him all the love she has. To make him feel truly loved. He told her that he never felt such a warm person in his life before he met her and on seconds before the New Year and fireworks, she asked him, “What are you most grateful for this year?”
His eyes meeting everywhere else but her eyes as he spoke softly with a tinge of blush on his cheeks, “Meeting you.”
There were times during their relationship that she felt like she wasn’t getting enough from him, in terms of love, attention and care. Because they never defined their relationship and even when she asked, he said he needed time to get to know each other, before committing to a real serious relationship.
Even when they went on Valentine’s Day dates and other dates, it felt like she couldn’t say anything, because they were meeting each other casually yet exclusively. It’s a grey area, no relationship no commitment but there is some sort of exclusivity.
It was to the point she could no longer handle being in a non-labelled relationship. Yes, she agreed to give it a few more months until he is ready or when they are ready to have that talk but she knew she liked him too much, and gave her all when he was still the same as the first time they met.
As Google explains it , ‘Situationship is a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established.’
You can see why she was frustrated at herself, that she liked him more than he ever liked her and wondered constantly whether it will become a serious thing or not.
It tormented her for weeks, bothered people around her when she spoke up about it. People tell her to forget about him, and what is it so hard for him to try a relationship when they already kind of have something going on. But you never know what he has been gone through in the past.
Even if he was maybe delaying the inevitable of not dating her, she still want to like him. Love him as much as possible so he knows that is the normal amount of love he should be getting in the future, whether if it is with her or his future partner. At least he knows he was loved, or hope he knows of it someday.
This story might be getting a little sadder at this point but let me assure you that she stood up for herself and told him everything that she felt. She was going to break up with him one thing or another because she felt like she deserved someone who can love her the way she loves others. But he did not give up. He held onto the conversation for a good 3 hours, listening, replying in the calmest way possible. His best solution for her was to start a real relationship, or to break up, if that was what she wanted. He never forced her into doing something she was uncomfortable with. That was one of his best points, one that she loved.
However, it was not something she wanted. She did say all the grey area were haunting her but she felt like she needed him to hear it before telling him to break up. At least he knows why they are breaking up (unofficially) and hopefully he won’t be left in the dark like most other online dating people out there. She believes in honesty and (brutal) honesty was what he was getting 2AM in the morning.
He truly never gave up. He held on and on and eventually asked her what she wanted to do moving forward. She knew it wasn’t fair on him, as she never really told him how she felt the entire time in this situationship. She knew that at least this time around, if he still acted the way he has towards her even after she told her how she felt, that would be the last straw.
All that done and dusted, and now they are an official couple, because she made it happen. Sometimes to this day, she felt like she forced him into it, which she never intended to since she wanted to let him know how she felt and the solution he suggested was to start a relationship.
Nevertheless, this couple is starting their journey, through waters, sand and loads of hugging (because she loves it). Let’s hope the feelings they have for each other will grow into a garden of tulips.
Fun fact: He gave her tulips on Valentines’ Day and to this day, she is still trying to figure out how to make bookmarks out of dried pressed tulip petals.
Life after online dating is something I truly enjoy. No more meeting new people and making me sweat uncontrollably. I am happy where I am now, though career-wise, I am having a mental and physical breakdown, but that’s a story for another day.
Stay strong everyone! I hope you find happiness even in the smallest things ~
Signing off,
Mint ／(･ ᆺ ･)＼♡
Mint's Unappetizing Life 